a long time coming

time is not just flying, but going at super speed. seriously, it's september??? SEPTEMBER?? it was a year ago that i was just starting my mba program and wishing that it were september '07.
and now here it is, and i kind of don't know what to do with myself.

i came back from miami yesterday where i had a lot of time to think. about work. about my future. about my friendships. about life in general. and i came to the realization that i need to let go of my past. for the past two years, i longed to have what i had back in college. but until this weekend i realized i never will have that back. it physically can never happen. and all this antagonizing pain of being home, ready to start a new life was actually just wishing to have what i once had before. and up until this past week, it never really clicked. but being in miami, with the wind blowing in my hair and sand in my toes, i realized in order to be truly happy, i will have to move on. on my own. i don't want to... i want nothing more than to go back five years and start over my life in philadelphia: the theater, the friends, the classes, just the life. but i can't have that. and it is so difficult to grasp this concept because it means growing apart from those you love in order to do the right thing. i mean, i'm not the only one. everyone sorta loses touch with high school friends, friends from old jobs, friends from old neighborhoods. it's just another part of the process i suppose, but it is better than clinging on to something i just can't have.
this in no way means i am letting go of friendships. there are some people who are very special to me and will remain a big part of my life. but for the first time in my life, i am going to think of myself first and not others (as selfishness isn't really part of my life) and get ready for the next chapter, wherever it may be. it hurts a lot. it hurts a lot that i'm going at this alone in the world, but we are put on this earth to do so.

let it be known, this entry is not dedicated to one person. it has been a long time coming regardless of any events happening in my life both good and bad. this has been in my head for the past couple months, and for the first time i actually could express myself. i find that it takes a lot of courage to display this on the internet for people to read, but i have always been a very open person, able to display my emotions for everyone to see. i've never hidden what i feel, so why should i stop now. and sure, thats part of my character flaw, but i also think it is what makes me a fairly strong and stable person. it's probably the reason why a lot of you out there (who actually know me) are friends with me and why some people dislike me. because of my honesty, my openness, my uniqueness, my big/loud personality. and to quote the amazingness of high school musical "i've got to move on and be who i am... i gotta go my own way" hahaha.... i just quoted hsm. seriously, what is the world coming to?
i'll leave this entry with a more intellegent quote from barack obama's book 'dreams from my father' which i am reading now... "sometimes you can't worry about hurt. sometimes you only worry about getting where you have to go."

~annalisa